AN HONEST ART CRITIC
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
A LOTTERY WINNERS BIG WISH
Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home. When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back.
His wife very excitedly ask, "What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes?
Dave looked at her and said "I don’t care as long as your are gone when I get home."
A GOOD DEEDS REWARD
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"
A GRIEVING MAN
A woman was walking in a graveyard when she saw a man kneeling by a grave shouting "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE???" Feeling sorry for the man she put her hand on his arm and said "Is that your wife your grieving for?" To which the man replied, "No it’s my wife's ex husband"
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
'BUMPER STICKERS OF MINE
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a witch. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?